So I’ve nearly bled to death. I’ve gotten on (and then off) the birth control pill. My period is gone and my gut is wrecked. What does past-Madison do next?
In this final installment of my PCOS series I am going to try and do two things:
- Walk you through what I’ve tried
- Repeat, over and over again, that I am not a doctor
Because two things can be true:
I almost exclusively came to the understanding of my potential health diagnoses through independent research, online resources, and trial and error.
And it is important to seek the insight of medical professionals anytime it is accessible for you to do so.
In the now-three years immediately following the complete collapse of my sense of health, I did not have access to my primary care physician, and my health insurance plan required her referral to see any specialists. It wasn’t until I finally saw a young, female doctor through the student health services at my graduate school that a medical professional confirmed for me, in-person, that I probably have PCOS and can get a period with proper non-birth-control mediation. But when we left off, I was sure that I had Post-Birth Control Syndrome (PBCS) and my period hadn’t come back. How did I get from that to a different but similar acronym?
In my prior post I talked about Dr. Jolene Brighten, whose website and resources popped up as I manically Googled “I just got off birth control and my body is destroyed.” After reading a bunch of her articles and participating in her free online conference on hormonal health, I paid for access to her “Birth Control Hormone Reset” course (it was $150 at the time.)
In this course, I was taught the ins and outs of my hormones and their cycling, and I was instructed to try a number of things. Some of them worked. Some of them might have worked. Some of them definitely did NOT work. That’s how I’ll organize them:
PBCS things that DEFINITELY worked:
- Eating a whole food (or “paleo”) diet : For the first year I was off birth control and in Chicago, I ate as un-processed and un-packaged as I could. In part due to my neighborhood becoming a food desert one month into my residence, I began using Imperfect Produce* and designing my meals around veggies and fruits. I did not do this exclusively: I still ate pasta, rice, canned veggies, and fast food. I still ate at restaurants and had a cup of noodles when the school day ran me to the ground. I made cookies and brownies, and finally got in the habit of eating breakfast via Cheerios and instant oatmeal. Most important was that I tried AND that I did not count calories or restrict myself in any capacity. I just ordered fruit and veggies and knew I had to use them before they went bad. It’s still the most consistent cooking I’ve ever done in my life, and it drastically changed how I felt in my body, for the better. I will also say it loud-ish and proud-ish: I don’t eat this way anymore. I have far less time to cook, and I found in the middle of my shift from PBCS to PCOS diagnosis, I began to feel very self-conscious about my weight. I actively dieted for two months, watching my caloric and nutritional intake, and to nobody’s surprise felt so much worse about myself. So I stopped. And I’ve been letting myself eat whatever sounds good since, because COVID. The last thing your body needs during an excruciatingly stressful time is to count calories. Sure, I’ve swung the opposite direction now, back to not getting enough fruits and veggies. But I’m getting back on the horse! (* This link is my referral link. If you use it to sign up, you get $80 in the form of $20 off 4 consecutive boxes. And I get $30 off my next box. Just call me a veggie influencer I guess.)
- Cutting back on dairy: I grew up in a house where we had at least one if not more glasses of 1-2% dairy milk with dinner every night, so I’m LOVING the “got milk?” memes about the hold the dairy industry had on our generation. The rise in alternative milks has been life-saving for someone with a sensitive stomach, constipation, hormone issues, and terrible acne. Cutting back on dairy is the #1 thing that has revolutionized my skin and made my stomach far less nauseous and irritated. For those who are curious about the most eco-and-hormone-friendly alternative milk options? Oat milk and flax milk. Oat milk is now so widely accessible it’s surpassed almond milk in popularity. Flax milk’s taste is hit or miss, so I go with oat 100% of the time.
- Eating MORE: People with hormonal imbalances often gain weight uncontrollably. With the hold diet culture has on us, it should come as no surprise that many women under-eat in response. Under-eating increases insulin sensitivity, increase stress hormones, and increase fat production as your body produces and stores what it needs to survive. Eat when you are hungry.
- Pelvic floor exercises (and peeing more regularly): As is the case with many women who undergo any type of hormone supplementation, my pelvic muscles and bladder control dramatically decreased during my time on the birth control pill. Once, I had to walk home four blocks from a bar where I’d had 2 beers. In the 10 minutes between the bar and my apartment, without even a full bladder, I couldn’t hold my urine. In the hallway out front my door, I completely wet myself (and then had to explain it through embarrassed tears to my roommate.) I share this because it’s not talked about, even though it still brings up feelings of shame. Incontinence happens, and is tied up in our hormones. There is not much you can do about it beyond pelvic muscle exercises, and going to the bathroom as frequently as you need to avoid urgency.
- Getting more sleep: This was hard in a cockroach-infested apartment in a city. But I tried to set aside 8-10 hours every night for sleep. I needed it. And I stuck to it. (Except for on paper-writing or exam nights…) Your body needs to rest to heal. Period. I know it’s not realistic for everyone, especially for mothers with small children, but I can’t stress enough how constantly fatigued I was after my digestive illness. I couldn’t heal without sleep.
- Drinking more water: Grad school and illness finally did it to me. I FINALLY got — and actually USED — a water bottle. It’s amazing how quickly you can go from feeling like you’re dying to remembering that life is worth living by drinking a glass of water.
PBCS things that MAYBE worked? (Maybe it’s the placebo effect?)
- Collagen Powder: I began taking Vital Proteins, mixing it into baked goods and beverages, because I won a giant container in an Instagram giveaway. That’s the truth. But as I looked into it, I found some feedback that suggested not only that it was good for skin, nails, and hair, but that collagen is crucial to a healthy stomach and colon lining. I will say, I experienced far fewer pinching and burning feelings that had previously accompanied my mild ulcerative colitis. But who knows: It could also be attributed to the other things I did. Collagen powder is still a great way to incorporate protein into your diet, regardless.
- Drinking tea: I began drinking a cup of tea every morning and every evening. A number of herbal teas had been recommended to me during my illnesses (ginger, green, peppermint, hibiscus, raspberry leaf, and dandelion root being the key players.) With my sensitive stomach lining, I began avoiding peppermint because it’s an irritant. The others I alternated. The most helpful for me seemed to be ginger (I bought THIS probiotic kind from Celestial Seasonings) and green. Word to the wise: Green tea makes me bloated and burp-y. Not sure why. But I did find my stomach soothed and repaired after making tea a habit. Maybe it’s nothing more than drinking more water, but it can’t hurt!
- Supplements: I’ve tried so many, with mixed and unclear results. If my general trajectory indicates their success, I’d say give them a try. But I cannot trace any particular result to any particular supplement.
- Dr. Brighten’s Balance: This is the supplement I’ve taken most consistently. I didn’t notice any significant changes until I started my prescription to induce a period (we’ll discuss momentarily.) I find my PMS, headache, muscle ache, and cramping symptoms associated with my cycle are far less brutal taking this supplement.
- Dr. Brighten’s Adrenal Support: I took this for about a year, to combat constant feelings of tired-upon-waking. It seems to have helped.
- Dr. Brighten’s Adrenal Calm: I take it like melatonin in the evenings if I’m wired, traveling, or haven’t been sleeping well.
- Whole food multivitamin: Certainly helped me fill some gaps in my diet, but I found them very difficult to digest. If I didn’t eat a large meal with each pill, I would experience severe stomach pain and bloating.
- N-Acetyl Cysteine: Amino acid that is supposed to aid in production and absorption of glutathione, a key player in the balancing of hormones. Who knows if it’s doing anything.
- Vitex: Also known as chaste tree, vitex is meant to help cycle progesterone. Since it’s found in Dr. Brighten’s Balance blend, I don’t take it unless I run out of Balance.
- Spore-form probiotic: This is the kind of probiotic Dr. Brighten and others recommend, especially for those with leaky gut or other digestive issues. Probiotics in spore form have a better chance of surviving the journey to the center of the gut. I didn’t notice any difference in success compared to a regular probiotic.
- Castor Oil Packs: A number of online hormone healers recommend taking up the practice of castor oil packs for liver and gallbladder soothing as well as pelvic detoxification. You soak a flannel or cotton rag in castor oil, place it directly on your skin, and then put a hot water bottle on top of that. I think any and all positive benefits I experienced could just be attributed to the benefits of a soothing hot water bottle. Who knows if the castor oil is anything more than a woo woo fluke. But I tried it! And it seemed to help in the midst of gallbladder spams and abdominal cramps.
- Yoga (and otherwise not working out): I have always loved yoga. I pop into the classes my mom takes every time I go home. I made good use of the free yoga classes for students during grad school. I sometimes did self-directed yoga at home or in the park. I feel strong and soft and peaceful when I do yoga. I can only imagine this helped. Otherwise, working out really stresses me. I don’t find it fun. Doing high intensity workouts increase stress hormones and the soreness and inflammation of the muscles can be difficult for me to navigate on top of digestive and reproductive pain. So besides yoga, I didn’t do any other physical activity.
- Kombucha (and other fermented things!): Dr. Brighten suggested fermented foods to aid in digestion and repopulate your stomach microbiome, which is often depleted from consistent birth control usage. I had never tried kombucha before trying her protocol, but I fell in love with it. Unfortunately, they stopped making my favorite kind and I’ve since given up the habit (@ Health Ade: Bring back your Original flavor. Please and thank you.) But I still snack on pickled ginger that I request in bulk from my local sushi place.
PBCS things that did NOT work:
- Cutting out coffee: Lots of people online, especially those with anxiety, suggest cutting out coffee to reduce the production of cortisol, our stress hormone. I’ll admit it: Coffee can make me feel jittery and anxious. Especially if I have it on an empty stomach. But I cut out coffee entirely for three months during this protocol and did not experience a single bit of a decrease to my anxiety. I didn’t experience a natural boost in energy after the withdrawal symptoms subsided. I didn’t experience any increase in mood. When I brought coffee back, I didn’t experience any symptoms either. It seems coffee doesn’t do all that much to me, so long as I eat. And I enjoy the taste so much, I’m keeping it around!
- Prebiotics: With the gut dysbiosis that comes from being on birth control, everyone and their mother suggests a probiotic. That, I can do. But so may probiotics now come with PREbiotics, which are meant to feed the probiotics to keep them alive and well in the journey to the center of the gut. Every prebiotic I’ve ever taken has made me so bloated and uncomfortable, it just isn’t worth it. I’ll stick to my pickled ginger, thanks.
- Seed Cycling: The woo woo spouse to castor oil packs is seed cycling. During the first half of your cycle, you crush and eat two specific kinds of seeds. During the back half of your cycle, you crush and eat another two types of seeds. The nutrients in these seeds are meant to mimic the release and rise of the various female hormones. I tried it for three months and felt so silly, and felt so little of a difference other than increased stress having to figure out how to incorporate sesame seeds into my every day for two weeks straight, it just didn’t seem worth it. Maybe it works, but it’s too much prep for me.
- Dr. Brighten’s food protocol: It’s important to consider the ways that, had I not been in dialogue with gastrointestinal medical professionals the year prior, I might not have recognized the risks of following her protocol to a T. Her dietary protocol is devoid of processed carbs and dairy and heavy on fat and cruciferous vegetables. This is, in part, because these foods are high in nutrients your body is naturally depleted from due to the birth control pill. However, these are exactly the same foods that populate my “gallbladder no-go list”: They are extremely difficult to digest. Ultimately, I couldn’t follow her meal plan without posing myself some serious risks. I also found that participating in her online Facebook group form was not helpful for me: None of the women could relate to these health risks posed by the diet. And when I proffered my difficulties, the moderators had little more to say than, “just stick with it!”
I’ve written for The Young Catholic Woman an article on online influencer courses and the dangers of investing time and money into someone who doesn’t personally know you. I can confirm that Dr. Brighten’s protocols were an absolutely pivotal catapult into the world of menstrual and hormonal health. Absolutely irreplaceable. But my feelings might have been different if I didn’t have the insight of other medical professionals also in my back pocket. All this to say: Please be careful. “Doing your own research” doesn’t mean “stop looking after the first aesthetically pleasing doctor with an online presence.” It means looking into numerous opinions. And remember that these thoughts in these lists are my own, personal experience. I AM NOT A DOCTOR.
One of the people Dr. Brighten herself directs her clients to for additional insight is Dr. Lara Briden, author of the Period Repair Manual. I read this book cover to cover and began to compare what I was reading there with what I had read from Dr. Brighten. It became clear to me that, what with my period not coming back after a year of following Dr. Brighten’s protocols, something else might be awry. One year is definitely enough time to cleanse your body of artificial hormones and restore depleted nutrients. It began to seem like my hormones were cycling, but I wasn’t ovulating. This led me to begin researching PCOS. The symptoms Dr. Briden included in her book’s examination into Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) were compelling. Many of the symptoms of PCOS and PBCS are similar, but there are a couple of key differences. The biggest two? Insulin resistance and uncontrollable weight gain.
Since coming off of the birth control pill, I had not experienced any weight loss, despite having gained it so suddenly and immediately upon starting the pill. I was eating healthy and getting good sleep. But the weight kept piling on. Additionally, I was noticing that my sensitivity to sugar (which I briefly discussed in the Birth Control installment) was getting worse. My stomach was immediately upset after eating sugar. I would get fatigued and bloated, with brain fog to boot. I was also showing symptoms of male-pattern hair growth. So, at the same time that I was exploring Dr. Briden’s PCOS information, I began to see a doctor through school.
This was the doctor that finally ordered my first ever blood work for a comprehensive hormone panel. The results came back “normal” across the board, except for a slight spike in testosterone. Heightened testosterone can be a sign of PCOS. This is how we’ve landed on this “probably” diagnosis.
In response to this “probably,” and having a year and some change between actively trying to treat PBCS and feeling better, I began incorporating some new things unique to PCOS treatment:
PCOS things that DEFINITELY worked:
- 10-Day Progesterone prescription: THIS is how I’ve gotten my period back. And while it’s not a “natural” period, it is my body naturally cycling in response to an appropriate, bioidentical hormone increase. I can ovulate while on this prescription (though it’s unclear if I am), and my periods are a normal length, consistency, and amount. I start taking each 10-day cycle on day 21 of my cycle so by day 31 I start bleeding. Periods occur in response to heightened progesterone after the collapse of a follicle. This medication mirrors that process.
- Period cup: This and period underwear I began using moreso in effort to go as low-waste as possible across my lifestyle, but I HAVE to include them both because they’ve absolutely revolutionized my cycle for so many other reasons. When it comes to the period cup, it’s namely that having it in reduces my cramps, significantly. What’s more (and to get real with you) as a person with profound gastrointestinal issues, the period cup helps reduce bowel movement discomfort. Have you ever had the experience of wiping and your tampon string gets yanked? It’s truly awful. No such issue with a period cup. Period cups ARE however notoriously difficult to insert and remove. Here are my tips for discerning cup life:
- If you’ve never liked tampons, period cups are probably not for you.
- I do the “tulip” or “pinch down fold” pictured HERE. I have a tilted cervix and find this is the only way I can get it up in there. That link will also provide details for other methods of insertion and removal.
- The period cup popping open inside you is an odd experience. Not painful, but sudden. You’ll know if it’s open.
- I highly recommend buying the Dot Cup. It comes with a pouch, and they often run sales. In fact, during COVID they gave away hundreds for free. That’s how I got mine.
- There’s not good way to remove a period cup in a public restroom with more than one stall. Your hands do get bloody.
- Because period cups are made from antibacterial plastic, your chances of experiencing toxic shock syndrome are significantly reduced. Meaning, you can wear them for a significantly longer amount of time than a tampon before emptying it.
- The first time I used it I wept because I thought I got it stuck inside me and Guy had to talk me down through the bathroom door. We laugh about it now. Don’t read the horror stories on the internet.
- Period underwear: If you’ll recall from my Bleeding To Death installment, I am used to having to change a pad every hour. I was very resistant to period underwear for that very reason: You can’t change out a pad without changing your whole underwear, and then where do you put the used pair? They’re also typically very expensive. But I don’t trust just a tampon or cup without backup, I really wanted to reduce my waste, and I’d heard such amazing stories about period underwear decreasing period anxiety, particularly during sleep. I finally bit the bullet during Thinx’s major annual sale and it changed. my. life. It’s everything I hoped it would be. Comfortable. Doesn’t feel like you’re wearing a diaper. It really IS moisture wicking (so you don’t FEEL like you’re sitting in blood.) I sleep so much better on my period. But I DO have some pro tips:
- BUY THE TARGET BRAND: Thinx recently partnered with Target to do a discounted line of period underwear. But here’s the deal: It’s the exact. same. product. In fact, the “changes” actually make the product BETTER. Thinx’s original line of period products are not cotton and they’re twice as expensive. Everyone and their mom knows that you should be in cotton underwear, especially when you’re on your period, and especially especially if you’re prone to UTIs. Cotton is moisture-wicking, antimicrobial, and breathable. Thinx’s Target line? All cotton. And half the price. I see absolutely zero reason why you should be buying the original line.
- Buy the HIGHEST absorbency: They all feel the same, no matter how absorbing they are. There is no difference in thin-ness or comfort, and there’s no difference in price. So do yourself a favor and just buy the ultra absorbent pair because…
- You can’t tell how much you’ve bled: The entire interior of the underwear is black. Which make sense, but also makes it extremely difficult to tell if you’re leaking. The only problems with leaks I’ve ever had have been in “Level 2” absorbency rather than ultra OR leaking around the edges of the “pad” after lying down. Still far fewer leaks than conventional pads.
- Hand-rinse them in warm water before putting them in the laundry: Maybe I’m just paranoid, but better to be safe than sorry. This prevents blood from getting in the rest of your laundry, and extra-prevents the growth of bacteria.
- Eating more protein: This is hard with a broken gallbladder. I can’t eat pork, I can hardly eat beef, and I avoid dairy as much as possible. But I’ve found that when protein is an intentional part of each of my meals, I feel significantly better. I have less fatigue and more energy throughout the day. I naturally eat less because I’m fuller longer. My proteins of choice are eggs, string cheese, peanut butter, Greek yogurt with added protein, chicken, beans, and tofu.
- Fertility tracking: Even before I got OFF birth control, I began tracking my cyclical symptoms using FEMM fertility tracker. It’s the most intuitive and comprehensive app I’ve found, and it’s completely free. You have access to trained FEMM educators at any time as well, if you have questions. It has options for Creighton, Marquette, and other methods to input respective data. FEMM is also committed to providing comprehensive reproductive health education to young girls. I’ve learned so much about my body through this app, and throughout my PBCS and PCOS diagnoses, it’s been helpful to note what is and is not happening.
- Strength training: In the last two months, I’ve begun boxing again. I do it once a week and I pace myself, but nothing makes me feel as good and strong and beautiful and healthy in my body as boxing. I am THRILLED to be back. What’s more, I’ve noticed a steady decline in fat on my body and increased muscle. It’s not about weight (I weigh the same, actually.) It’s about the strength of my body and recognizing it as “me” when I look in the mirror.
- Massage: I am a very, very lucky person. My fiancé is not averse to giving me foot massages. I’ve found that physical touch has been a grounding, key aspect of my healing (to which the pandemic has posed a distinct challenge.) Being held in a variety of ways has brought me back into my body when it has not otherwise felt like mine. Whether caring touch comes from a loved one or a trained professional, regular massage has been a gift from God.
PCOS things that MAYBE worked? (Maybe it’s still the placebo effect?)
- Ovasitol: This is the #1 recommended supplement for PCOS. Inositols have shown in a variety of studies to work similarly to Metformin with fewer side effects, helping improve egg quality and combat insulin resistance. I used it once daily for a year. I certainly noticed less of a sensitivity to sugar, but my period never came back naturally, so it’s uncertain how much credit I can give it.
- Seeing a chiropractor: Well into working from home from my desk, I began to experience debilitating pain in my mid-back and hips. I went to a chiropractor–paying out of pocket, because I still didn’t have access to a primary care doctor–and found that while it helped treat my immediate joint and muscle pain and answered to some long-running challenges in my shoulders and hips, it also exacerbated shoulder tension and mental stress if I wasn’t going regularly (which I could not afford to do.) I am now going once a month and that feels helpful, but I’m uncertain if I can call it a net-win outside of acute treatment.
- CBD: Lots of people who know I have anxiety have shared their miraculous stories of taking CBD and recommended it to me. It seems to be a wonder supplement: Decreased anxiety, decreased inflammation, decreased pain, increased focus, better sleep. I’ve been using Equilibria for about 4 months and despite loving their brand, their customer service, and their commitment to quality, I’ve discovered that CBD only minorly works for me: It reduces anxiety, but it increases my focus so much it actually impedes my sleep, and I haven’t noticed any improvement in my pain.
PCOS things that did NOT work:
- Going gluten-free: Lots of PCOS gurus online suggest cutting out gluten for PCOS. Here’s the truth: Only people with sensitivity to gluten will see any sort of result from cutting it out. I do not have any sort of gluten sensitivity. Cutting it out, even for just a week, made me irritable and stressed. Like cutting out coffee, maybe it will work for you? It did not work for me.
- Going back on birth control: It’s the #1 thing doctors tell people with PCOS to do, and its the #1 thing I will NOT do. Birth control got me into this mess, and it doesn’t actually do anything to treat what’s causing it. It just stops a person from ovulating, decreasing the likelihood that cysts will grow from post-ovulation follicles. Using birth control can do a lot of things (manage pain is one of them!) But it cannot balance your hormones.
The only thing left to do to turn this “probably” diagnosis into a “definitely” would be to examine my ovaries for cysts via pelvic ultrasound. If you’ll recall, I had one of those done before after I nearly bled to death, but it came back “inconclusive.” I haven’t had one since and, unfortunately, still haven’t had one. Ultrasounds are not a procedure covered by student health services. Until I have my own health insurance, off of my parents’ plan and onto one accepted in Illinois wherein I can also get a new primary care physician, I can’t access that exam unless I go to the ER.
So it’s here that I want to talk briefly about healthcare access and inequality.
I am a white, upper middle class white lady living in a neighborhood that houses one of the best medical facilities in the state of Illinois. But because of the drama and inaccessibility of the US healthcare system, I can’t access it for routine or acute care. My only option is Emergency Services and Urgent Care. I have incredible health care coverage through my parents’ military health insurance that I am fortunate, through the Affordable Care Act, to still qualify for until I turn 26 this September. But because this healthcare plan is an HMO, I cannot use this incredible health coverage unless I see and am then referred out by my family’s primary care physician….in California. I lose this healthcare in September on my birthday. My only hope is to receive healthcare through my employer (or Guy’s once we’re married…. a whole year later.) Guy’s job does not have corporate health coverage. He had to go through the marketplace, and then have a portion of it paid for indirectly by his boss. While still an immensely privileged opportunity, to still HAVE the marketplace option, the coverage options on the marketplace are…not great. All because the United States makes healthcare a reward for labor, rather than a right.
Now imagine all of that drama, for a person whose parents don’t have good coverage or coverage at all. For a person working a job that doesn’t offer any sort of healthcare. For a person who is unemployed.
Now imagine that this person is chronically ill or disabled, with dire, routine medical needs. With prescriptions they need to survive, at absolutely unjustifiable prices.
Now imagine that person is a person of color, or a member of the LGBTQ+ community (or both.) The very few opportunities for care FINALLY available to them very well might be tinged with disrespect. The care they receive might not be care at all. It might be imbued with racism and personal prejudice. It might be actively violent towards them. It might put them MORE at risk.
Imagine that person has kids.
And then remember: We are penalized by our government for NOT having medical care come tax season!
This. System. Is. Nuts.
It makes health a reward for working, and the more work you do the more of your body you are allowed to possess. What’s more, it disproportionately rewards those positions occupied by persons who came to the job with the help of inordinate privilege.
Health should not be a reward for work. You should not have to work to deserve health. To think this is the case is deeply ableist. It views people as only worthy to the extent of what they can do and produce.
This is, additionally, why it is so important to divest from religious models that encourage “praying pain away” and the like.
I write more about it for The Young Catholic Woman HERE. But I’ll briefly say more now: I prayed for healing, for years. I prayed that God would take my excruciating H. Pylori pain away. I prayed God would stop my bleeding. I prayed God would stop me from gaining more birth control weight. I prayed God would bring my period back. I prayed for my anxiety to go away. I prayed to be able to eat beef. I prayed for an end to hormonal acne. I’ve prayed for it all.
God did not enact any physical healing miracles in my life.
For a good long while, I was pissed. I thought God was entirely absent. I thought I “deserved” this pain for making choices I thought were in my best interest and maybe weren’t? I thought God wasn’t real. If He were, He would hear my prayers and answer me.
So many Christians feel this way. And it is wholly, completely untrue.
In fact, it’s ableist of us to think it IS true.
What’s more: God does not will suffering. God is not punishing you by making you sick. Disability and chronic illness and mental illness or not symptoms of sin. (He tells us so, right in the Gospel of John, Chapter 9.) They are natural functions of the body that everyone experiences, at some point in their life.
Again: We cannot and should not have to earn our health, just as we cannot earn our holiness. We think we can, especially as we’re inundated with stories about sainthood. We think these people earned their sainthood through their lives of service and prayer. This is not the proper way to conceive of sainthood. The saints were people who received grace-filled gifts, and then did something with them. They didn’t do something and then earn grace-filled gifts.
Catholics are especially guilty of this mindset, with our emphasis on practices, rote prayers, and sacramental milestones. We think that if we check all the boxes, God MUST respond in x, y, z ways. (I talk about this in the context of dating and marriage in THIS article.)
We can also approach the earning of health from a totally secular path that leads us to the same place. We are equally inundated with influencer advertisement for practices, supplements, workout regimens, etc. To a certain extent, this post is guilty of doing just that! We can believe that if we do all of these things, we DESERVE good health as the result and we WILL achieve it.
This is also not true. I tried every single one of those things listed under PBCS resources. Not ONE of them led me to getting my period back “naturally.” Sure, they made me feel better. They attended to other concerns I had. Not one led me to the ultimate outcome I was praying for.
Even if we do ALL the things, we might NEVER be healed. Neither by our own hand or by Gods. Healing is not earned. Physical health is not a right. It is an immense, immense privilege.
This doesn’t mean stop praying. It also doesn’t mean stop seeking medical attention. To quote my man Hans Urs von Balthasar: It means we “reasonably hope” for healing.
We can pray for our healing to end, offering it up as a form of prayer in and of itself, and reasonably hope that healing comes, with the full knowledge that if it doesn’t, it is not a reflection of our goodness. We can reasonably hope the supplements work, with the full knowledge that if they don’t, we are not to blame. We can hope from a place of true humility in one hand. And we can rage about how much this f*cking HURTS in the other. Both are very good. God holds space for both.
As of today, June 25th, 2021, I have had one major update: During this last cycle, I spotted on my 15th day. Ovulation typically takes place half-way through one’s cycle, around day 15. While this is not a surefire way of indicated that I’ve ovulated, given that this used to occur long before my birth control experience, I’m taking it as a good sign. However, this doesn’t rule out the likelihood that I have ovarian cysts. If I am in fact ovulating again, bleeding while I do very well might indicate some sort of obstruction or growth that is impacting the process. There is a real part of me that actively fears ovarian cancer. What I need is a pelvic ultrasound.
I’m hoping and praying that August 1st comes quickly, so I can shift onto workplace medical care and see a specialist as soon as possible. Until then, I’m going to keep doing what works, keep filtering out what doesn’t, and keep sharing in some form or another this series of unfortunate menstrual events. It’s only by sharing our experiences that they can become normalized. I’m grateful you’ve taken the time to listen to mine.
With love — Madison